Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2005 14:52:59 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: Why go to a conference when you can meet people over a beer...

Ok everyone. I am in a bit of a rush to get this email done before my meetings starting at 11. I will say that last week had

quite a nice turn out and I am sure this week will be no exception (work. What work?). There is no/little snow on the ground.

The initial beginning of term rush to Koerner's is over for other departments, and your friendly neighborhood beer czar will be

there for more than 1 beer this week. So come and join me in the lobby of CICSR at 5 for the always enjoyable and never long

and boring* walk across campus to my favorite pub**.

* Opinions about the walk may vary. Please make sure you are in shape and you do not have a heart condition before attempting

the Koerner's walk.

** OK. This is just a plain lie. However Koerner's is close.

Traditionally I have based my top tens on recent life events and topics that have affected me. Well, this week I have been

annoying friends by getting them to proof read my grad school applications. I won't bore you with this week. I will bore you

with this information next week. Today's list is reserved for the hard working men and women at the Imager lab who are/were

getting ready for SIGGRAPH. The deadline is close and so I thought I would remind you why you are going through all of this

trouble: SIGGRAPH is not a crappy conference. Therefore, please enjoy the following top ten list and best of luck with your

submissions. Hold onto your hats folks. It is a -7 day!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO A CRAPPY CONFERENCE OR WORKSHOP!!

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10. The keynote speaker is Linus Torvaldiell; the person with the all

time highest score in Frogger.

9. If you thought NIPS has a bad name, the Bayesian Operations On

Behaviorally Interactive Educational Systems conference is worse.

b) .....as is the Conference on Lightweight Interactive Technologies.

8. The only way they get researchers to submit is by applying a boston crab

or figure four leg lock.

7. Barf bags are provided at the start of each talk.

6. This year's conference theme: the bars close at 2am.

5. Last year's theme: Being drunk won't make things pass faster

....but it sure won't hurt either.

4. The guys from OK/CANCEL will be rapping there.

3. The keynote "Tinfoil hats: fashionable and effective at blocking

government thought rays" is being given by crazy Harrold from down the

street.

2. The conference doubles as a flea market on Sundays.

1. The first annual workshop on Penoff Algorithms.

0. When you being your research talk someone stands up and screams:

"OH MY GOD! HE'S DOING MATH!"

-1. After the conference, people say to you that they wanted to attend your

talk but the door with the word PUSH on it wouldn't open no matter how

hard they yanked.

-2. You ask the organizers for conference proceedings and 10 minutes later

they hand you a McDonalds's napkin with the proceedings written on it in

red crayon. This wouldn't be so bad, except every presenter is supposedly

"John Smith" from "America University"

-3. Two words: Computer Ethics

-5. The workshop consists of one guy showing the crowd how to solve a

Rubik's cube.

-6. People from Nipissing University say "DAMN that's a crappy conference."

-7. At 2pm, vendors begin to sell cyanide.

Snobby Beer Quote of the Week

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."

-- Tom Waits

David "John Smith" Sprague