Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 13:53:46 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: CSGSA changes got you down?

Whenever there is a sudden change in our day to day lives, it can be

stressful and difficult to handle. Experts agree that the obvious

solution to this problem is the liberal consumption of alcoholic beverages

(Surley & Remorseful, 2002). Therefore I invite you all to come to Koerner's

today for good times with good friends and good beer (departing at 5:00

from the the CICSR entrance). Its a healthy lifestyle choice in times of

stress.

On a second note, as new bzzr czar, it is up to me to hopefully entertain

you all with the weekly beer call to arms. The previous tradition

involved poetry but since I helped come up with the "Roses are red violets

are blue" poem from a couple of weeks ago, it seems pretty obvious that

I should be avoiding poems and sticking to something simple like a top ten

list if I want to keep this job.

TOP TEN WAYS TO GET FIRED FROM YOUR POSITION AS BEER CZAR

10. Demand no one drinks until your banger sausages are done.

9. Start all Friday poems with "There once was a man from Nantucket..."

8. Challenge the coffee czar to a battle of substance abuse. First person

in the hospital wins.

7. Whenever someone aks about the job, vomit on them.

6. Two words: table dance

5. Every time some one says the word "hopps" stand up and jump. Sit back

down. Pretend nothing happened.

4. "EVERYONE LOVES SHOW TUNES...."

3. Offer to wrestle someone for who's buying. When they decline, hit them

them with a chair.

2. If someone orders something other than beer, hit them with a chair.

1. Ask to share a pitcher. Use my coffee mug.

I promise to avoid these behaviors (expect #8 which Mark and I have

already agreed on, and #4....because everyone really does :) ) and I would

love your feedback in the weeks to come. I also find feedback easier to

take when someone buys me beer. Anyway, I will leave you with a movie I

saw about 2 years ago and saved. I hope you like it.

http://www.cs.ubc.ca/~dsprague/beerfarmerquick.mov

David "its my job to annoy everyone now" Sprague

References

Surley, I., and Remorseful, U. (2003). Beer bellies are sexy:

Benefits of weekly beer consumption. Journal of Fallacious Reporting

13(4).