Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2005 16:24:30 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads-conf@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: Performing nuts for nut browns.

Hello boys and girls. Last minute beer call again. Well, the only thing to say this week is: Dima is defending. Show your

support to one of our Koerner's regulars (and one of the guys who always bought the beer) and come out to congradulate him. He

will be defending until well after 5 but you can yourself up to congradulate him by coming to Koerner's early. You will be glad

you did.

Unfortunately, your favorite (male) redhead won't be able to make it until about 7 either since I am going to a keynote seminar

at 5. However, the march to Koerner's is in good hands. Vance "R&C" Lockton is the temporary beer czar and will make the walk

over all the more exciting.

Ok. This week, there must have been something in the water. I not only took far too long to write the list, but it was also by

FAR the most offensive list I have ever written. When the people who normally check for appropriateness say "don't say this

joke to anyone" you know you crossed a line. :) So here is the (hopefully) only moderately offensive list. I hope you enjoy.

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW A CS COFFEE HOUSE PERFORMER HAS GONE NUTS

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10. The feedback on David's song sounds terrible until you

realize.....he's not using a microphone. He is just doing a Yoko

Ono impression.

1. He keeps saying he is tuning his instrument, but all you keep seeing is

some guy grabbing his crotch.

9. Adam keeps introducing everyone as "Larry the Dry Humping

Platypus".

8. Blair decides to fully merge his music and his recreational

habits. He decides to roll and smoke his guitar.

7. Air guitar to "Wind Beneath My Wings".

6. "To show off my impressive talent, I will need a good looking

woman, a bottle of wine and a some candlelight."

5. No matter what Gao says; pulling his finger to music does not

constitute a performance.

4. Richard keeps mentioning how he broke his string. You look at his

guitar and it looks perfectly fine. You ask him what type, and he

says 'G'.

3. She spends 6 minutes tuning her guitar and then starts playing a

slide whistle.

2. "For my performance, I am going to do magic

.......mushrooms."

1. "Watch as I make this constant number of computational operations

DISAPPEAR!"

0. He keeps saying he is tuning his instrument, but all you keep

seeing is some guy grabbing his crotch.

-1. Adam begins heckling himself.

-2. You might be wrong, but in "All Along the Watchtower", you don't

remember every third word being "ass".

-3. In an violin tribute, Warren reminds us that he wants to "rock and

roll all night" and that he likes to "party every day" before

spitting fake blood.

-4. She spends the first 3 minutes singing and the remaining 7 minutes

screaming at the audience

"What good are you rock climbing skills NOW!! I don't see YOU on

stage!"

David "I am such a slacker" Sprague

"When I was seventeen. I drank some very good beer.

I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID

My name was Brian McGee

I stayed up Listening to Queen

When I was 17.

- Homer