Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 10:47:52 -0700 (PDT)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads-conf@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: Help. I need beer.

Hello again boys and girls and welcome to the middle of my coronary. I am still working on my summer project that uses a

magnetic tracker and a head mounted display, which I may have mentioned before. The reason I am bringing this up* is that I was

required to contact and annoy our wonderful tech staff (more specifically Luc) all this week. Hence the subject of this week's

top ten(s). First, let me cover the usual Koerner's logistics.

*No. It is not because I just like to complain about things......or at least that is not the only reason.

Are you sick of working on assignments and projects? Has this 4 day work week worn you out? Are you sick of seeing the same

people day after day? Well come on out to Koerner's and talk to those people you are sick of in a whole new venue!! Relax,

avoid shop talk (unless you want to), and get a more nuanced understanding of your lab-mates intoxicated views on world

politics. At 5pm today we should meet in front of CICSR and walk over to Koerner's. Unfortunately** I will not be able to stay

for more than 1 beer (and if I do, someone kick me out) but to compensate, my non-CS friend Jane is coming along. I don't think

I am the only person that gets excited when non-CS people attend......maybe I am......I need to get out more. Ok. Enough

babbling. Lets get on to the lists:

**For those of you that don't like me, read Fortunately.

TOP TEN SUBJECT TITLES FOR HELP@CS.UBC.CA E-MAILS!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

10. Urgent: My computer isn't working. Figure out how to fix it.

9. My password is "password". Is that OK?

8. I want to install Microsoft BOB. What do I do?

7. Confidential: Do you only fix COMPUTER viruses?

6. How does this computer thing work? -- Vance

5. Help. My hair is caught in the CPU fan....again.

4. Re: No not the hair on my head.

3. Have you seen my pants?

2. Can I get a hot pink terminal box?

1. Help! That jackass is still bringing up my name in his emails despite helping him with his Linux problems ------ Tibi

0. Can you set up an Unreal multiplayer for us?

-1. Fix the damn server or I will run over your dog.

-2. My computer is making a weird smell

-3. Never mind previous email. It's my office mate.

-4. Laptops make bad projectiles. Please fix.

-5. What does it mean when the computer goes "beep beep blop whiiiiir"?

TOP TEN TECH STAFF COMPLAINTS!!!!!

------------------------------------------

10. Programmers that keep saying I have "hard ware but soft head".

9. Whenever I describe a Linux problem and the components involved,

grad students think I am possessed and speaking in tongues.

8. That one jackass who decides they want to be different and run

Windows ME. I know you as #45927. You are not special. Get over it.

7. These supposedly brilliant programmers that can't figure out how

to connect their mouse.

6. Women who don't know what FTP stands for.

5. Whenever I see the new state of the art hardware in the department, I get a hardware of my own and need to remain seated.

4. Whenever David Sprague grabs tea in his face mug, it looks like he is drinking out of my skull (Dave Brent only)

3. I tried helping the treasury minister of Zimbabwe solve his finance problems by funneling his money through my bank

account. I STILL haven't seen any of the 20 million he promised me in that email. In fact, it looks like I am loosing money.

2. Steve Wilson.....That guy just bugs me.

1. When I am about to have "X" with a girl and I still have a "GUI

GNOME" or I can't "get my server up". Very embarrassing.

0. I sent around a joke update message saying we will be updating Fedora to 2.0.5 when everyone KNOWS that we are currently

using 2.0.8 . People need to get a sense of humor.

-1. Sunlight!

-2. The leg shackles the department chain us to the desk with really give me a rash.

-3. Every time someone says TGIF in an email, I check the man pages. I still haven't found what it means.

-4. Whenever I am supposed to type "grep <string> .gnome-private/" I Freudian type "grip <string> .gnome-privates/"

Snobby Beer/Computer Quote:

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."

-- Mitch Ratcliffe

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."

-- Steve Wozniak

"That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything and they don't drink all your

beer."

-- Paul Leary

David "can I use my name as my password?" Sprague

#48742

PS I was hoping to send this to some of the help staff but I am not sure if there was anything anyone deemed too offensive for

them to see (other than the erectile dysfunction jokes). Hence the early email. Someone tell me if you think it's ok.