Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2006 13:40:13 -0800 (PST)
From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>
To: grads-social@cs.ubc.ca
Subject: [Beer Call] No mastering a degree of restraint when it comes to beer....
Hello again everyone. This is David Sprague, the ex-beer czar and consistent glory hog. As you know from Czar Gao's email this
week, I have finally graduated and will be leaving you soon. * In the mean time, I felt it was my obligation as the ex-czar to
partake in final Koerner's grad tradition. When our department was smaller, it was the obligation of the recently graduated
student to buy the beer at Koerner's that week. This tradition had to be modified when 20+ students began attending for 4+ hours
at a time. I think the current tradition is to buy 1 pitcher of beer for every 4 months spent on the degree. Even that seems a
bit extreme, so I am buying 1 pitcher for every 6 months at UBC. That's right: the first 5 pitchers are on me. For my friends
and colleges that I haven't partied with in several months, I really hope you can show up and take my money. I also expect some
of the new grads from this year to attend. If none of you show up, I will run through the bullpens and forcing you to drink
Kokanee with a funnel. You have been warned.
Now, you may be saying to yourself: "Golly Gee. I would really like a tasty liquid grains beverage at the end of a long busy
week, but I am way too busy and it is SUCH a long walk over to the pub." Well, good news. I will be doing the traditional beer
czar walk over to the pub at 5:30 today. That will give everyone plenty of time to do lots of work, and the walk won't be long
and boring with my incessant ramblings. **
So let's all meet at 5:30 in the front hallway of the old CICSR building for the walk over to the pub. Remember, no one EVER
gets real work done on a Friday night. Why bother even trying. I will be at the door at 5:30. I hope you will be too.
Well, on to the top tens. This week, I thought I would point out some other graduation traditions you may not know about and
some of the benefits of graduating. To warn you in advance, they are a bit rude, there are several inside jokes..... and I'm a
bit rusty. What do I care? I'm done. Enjoy my long winded ramblings.
* Hopefully
** The walk definitely won't be boring for the poor person that I demand a piggyback ride to the pub from......I'm looking at
you Gluck.
TOP TEN GREAT THINGS ABOUT GRADUATING!!
-------------------------------------------
10 People will stop thinking you are dumb and instead think you are
just drunk or high.
9. If you take as long to graduate as I did, you get a gold watch and
a pension.
8. I can finally admit: chapters 3 & 4 are just excepts from the
book "Horton Hears a Who"
.....hey. It's an HCI thesis.
7. My title has been up officially upgraded to "Barry's foot
rest"
6. You make the same income as a person out of undergrad with a year
of experience.....and it only took you two years living below the
poverty line to do it.
5. I can finally admit: I like Budweiser.
4. Now that I have passed everything in, my thesis topic can only be
changed 2-3 more times.
3. Hopefully people will stop saying things like:
"Oooooh. I just ate something bad. I think I'm going to Sprague."
2. Now that I am done, I am finally allowed to join the "when will
current grads finish" betting pool. I got $20 on "Gao, 2010".
1. I am finally allowed to admit: I designed my VR system just
to look at 3D porn.
0. It is such a proud moment. The culmination of 2.5 years of blood,
sweat, and tears is concluded by the woman at FoGS yelling "NEXT!!"
TOP TEN LESSER KNOWN GRADUATION TRADITIONS!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
10. To celebrate where you pulled your thesis topic from, wear no pants
for a week.
9. Current students walk up to the graduating student and point out a math
error at the start of their thesis that prevents them from graduating.
Watch them cry (Doing a jig is optional).
8. I am supposed to get drunk on 1 beer......all part of the tradition.
Honest.
7. Encourage other students to throw pennies at expensive equipment
because you don't know what it does.
6. For PhD: Wear t-shirt saying "Five years below the poverty line, and
all I got was a lousy D and R in front of my name."
5. Now that your name can be prefixed by the word Master, temporarily
change your last name to Bates to entertain 10 year olds
and ex beer czars.
4. Make a macaroni-drawing of your supervisor in a tutu.
3. For the week after you graduate, every person you ask out to
coffee is obligated to say yes.
......honest
......you hear that Shari???
2. Whenever anyone says Penoff, you need to say "You Pen off!!"
1. Theses sounds remarkably like feces: throw both at your supervisor.
0. Glue the last 40 pages of your thesis together. See if anyone ever
notices.
-1. For every pitcher of beer purchased, the celebrating student hits one
of the new grads in the face with a rusty shovel.
-2. It is tradition to show up to your supervisor's office wearing a
black cape, carrying a long red stick, and breathing heavily.
Say "First I was the learner, now I am the Master".
b Go down to the system administrator. Tell Luc that you are his
father.
-3. Place a cardboard box on your head.
Wait for the inevitable head injury to occur.
-4. Now that the "wishing well" has been removed, tradition states
that you now make a wish and huck pennies at people in the 1st floor
lobby.
-5. Show everyone your thesis.....,sorry. Did I say thesis? I meant
penis.
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
Winston Churchill
David "Master of Pantslessness" Sprague