Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005 15:11:57 -0800 (PST)
From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>
To: grads@cs.ubc.ca
Subject: Beer: An excuse for slipping and falling.....
Hello everyone. Some of you may forget who I am. It has been a whole 2 weeks since I sent off a Beer Czar email. You may
think I am just falling behind on the job. I mean I missed a week when no Koerner's trip was planned but I had a good reason.
No computer at my disposal. I love my sister but I have no idea how anyone could live with so little technology. If I had to
stay longer I may have tried to make a DVD player out of coconuts.
There was no beer call last week and I have a sneaky suspicion that this week will have limited numbers due to the snow (and I
will say I am impressed. It is almost a normal Canadian snowfall out there and I haven't seen anybody in Birkenstocks screaming
that the world is coming to an end). Please don't endanger yourselves coming to grab beer (duh) but for those of you on
campus.....wouldn't it be safer to grab a beer and wait for the daytime traffic to end and for the streets to be cleaned. If
you are on campus, you might as well come out to Koerner's.....for your own safety. I think we should meet in the atrium of
CICSR at 5 to start our safety promoting trip to Koerner's.
For purely selfish reasons I thought I would toot my own horn and inform everyone that you can see me make an ass of myself next
week.....sorry. Make an ass of myself without beer being involved......or me asking a question during a seminar.....or......
I will be making an ass of myself again next week but this time I will be on stage. Yes, that's right, The Gilbert and Sullivan
Society of UBC is putting up Pirates of Penzance NEXT week Thursday-Sunday January 13-16. Tickets this year have skyrocketed up
to $5 for students unless you by them before Monday (then they are $2.50). It should be a good time. You can get tickets in
advance either a) through me or b) by going to the music building lobby between 11 and 3 next week. I will hopefully be able to
do my czarry duties next week before the show but if not I may need to call on an interim beer czar. Anyone interested?
Ok. Enough paragraphed yakking. It is time for babbling by numbers. This was last week's list that I couldn't send* and then
an additional "bonus" list this week. I hope you enjoy it:
* Read: Didn't write
TOP TEN BEER CZAR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS!!
--------------------------------------------
10. Do a popular Vancouver/department activity like ultimate or
climbing.
Complain about how it sucks for 3 months and how much better
Montreal is.
9. No more porn. Find out what else google is useful for.
8. Stop licking the clean glasses on the table when no one is
looking.
7. Stop balding.
6. If #7 fails, attempt to shave every other CS guy's head to not
feel so bad.
5. Don't mention Tibi in any more top tens.....DAMN it!!
4. Four simple words: No chicks with beards!
3. It is ok to have a chaotic and uncertain love life. However, I
resolve to stop placing bets with friends about how long it will
be before I get dumped.
2. No more licking frozen flag poles, even if Jocelyn insists they
taste like ice cream.
1. Do not hump the leg of every woman I meet. Reserve this for
fellow redheads.
0. Don't make self-degrading comments. Degrade others instead. Even
if they don't deserve it.
By the way: Tris smells like a rotting donkey carcass.
-1. Keep at least one thought to myself for an entire year.
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT NO WRITING LAST WEEK'S TOP TEN!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
10. Extra time to read about new Callis soft tabs and that 3.45%
interest rate you keep getting emails about.
9. Kelly and Barry may think that I am actually doing work.
8. For people who do not attend Koerner's; get their hopes up so they
expect to no longer get annoying beer call emails and then:
BAM
Hit them again this week.
Watch them cry with frustration.
Point and laugh.
Dancing a jig is optional.
7. I never knew I had such interesting navel lint before last week.
6. No computer at my sister's place means #9's New Year's resolution
lasted almost a whole week.
5. With no beer call, most of you probably forgot to drink on New
Year's eve and we all know drinking is wrong.**
4. Since you were not sitting down reading my email, your ass is now
0.001% smaller. That crush you had on <insert name> who is
completely out of your league: he/she is interested in you now.
3. Since I had no computer, DVD player or cable TV, I saw the outside
world. Let me tell you: Highly overrated.
2. Few people know this but humans can only read a limited amount of
text per year. Last week, I allowed you to proof read your thesis
one more time.
1. No email means no spelling mistacks.
0. One week without seeing or hearing the words "dry hump", "wedgie"
or "smells like fish".
-1. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
However, every time a beer call gets sent, a baby panda gets
stabbed with a screwdriver.
-2. Last week's list was actually supposed to be:
"TOP TEN THINGS THAT SMELL LIKE CHEESE"
** Except it's not. It is cool and you know it. It is cool like smoking and playing in traffic. Come out to Koerner's.
Snobby Beer Quote of the Week
-------------------------------------------
Drinking is in reality an occupation which employs a considerable portion of the time of many people; and to conduct it in the
most rational and agreeable manner is one of hte great arts of living.
-- James Boswell
David "Panda Hater" Sprague