Date: Fri, 19 Nov 2004 14:26:38 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: Doctor of Sobriety

Well another week has passed ladies and gentlemen and we are one step closer to the end of this academic crunch.* As such, it

is time for me to intelligently ** comment on the events of this week in my beer call and gripe and bitch about this week over a

social beer tonight. On that note, we should all meet at 5 in the front of CICSR for the walk over to Koerner's. Come one,

come all. Last week's turn out was great and I think a good time was had by all people that were dressed warmly (we sat outside

for the first little while).

*and one step closer to the next academic crunch.....why did we go to grad school again??

**Intelligence is neither guaranteed nor required for the beer call. David's definition of intelligence is "anything that an

ostrich would have difficulty understanding" or "things that first year film undergrads can comprehend." Effects of beer call

may vary. Side effects include: upset stomach, hair loss, and random throwing of computer monitors.

Anyways, on to the top ten. For those of you interested in continuing your education even further, or for those of you that

wanted undergrad friends to come to UBC, you should be aware that the deadline for grad applications in CS is December 15. This

date is fast approaching. This may mean that some of you have to do some soul searching as to whether you wish to continue on

to your Ph.D. or not. This is currently my case. Therefore, to help you, I have put together the following list. I am using my

name a lot since I don't want to discourage anyone in the department by implying they shouldn't do a Ph.D.. With that caveat in

mind: enjoy (it is a -8 this week so hold onto your hats)!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T DO A Ph.D.!

------------------------------------------------------------------

10. You keep insisting that you don't want a doctor of philosophy. Your

Ph.D. should be in CS.

9. Supernova is renamed to "Welcome David"

8. When late passing in a project, your doctor's note reads:

"Hello. Please excuse Steve Wilson from this project. He was

sick.

---- Sincerely

Some Doctor Person Who is Obviously Real and Not Made up by Steve."

7. You spell it P.Hd.

6. You pronounce the degree "PHUD"

5. You study sociology. No one should get a Ph.D. in THAT!

4. You want to investigate "The effects dry humping strangers in a

club has on reproductive success."

3. You keep making jokes about dry humping when obviously no one

finds the topic funny.

2. You get the inspiration for your topic when watching a Pauly Shore

movie.

1. You ask your supervisor if she is willing to fund you for 3 years.

She laughs. When you ask again she frowns and yells at you. You

can't ask a third time since she started chaining that rabid

wolverine to the front of her office.

0. You eat glue.

-1. Your supervisor is mercy killed by people in your field when they

find out he's mentoring you.

-2. When you go to your thesis defense, you hear the star trek fight

music in the background.....and patiently waiting in a cage at the

center of the room is that guy who bullied you throughout high school.

-3. Your weekly progress meeting consists of showing your supervisor a

macaroni picture of a duck that you made.

-4. Your computer refuses to print your grad school application

letter. The dialog box simply states, "It's for your own good".

-5. Out of everyone in the department, the only people you can get a

letter of reference from are the custodians and that is just out

of pity.

-6. Your initial thesis draft is written in crayon.

-7. UBC's new student funding system says "support is generally

guaranteed for the first 3 years of the program, contingent of

satisfactory performance in the assigned tasks

.....unless your last name is Sprague. Then you don't get squat

and we hate you."

-8. You spend all your time writing top ten lists instead of doing

research.

Snobby Beer Quote

------------------

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend

time with his fools.

--Ernest Hemingway

So get off your high horse and have a beer with me.

David "a 4 years Master's degree is ALMOST a Ph.D. right?" Sprague