Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2005 15:06:36 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: Do not rush beer, phd applications or beer calls.

Hello all. This is a very last minute top ten and beer call. This week, I hope there will no more fire hydrants taking up

space, or obnoxious candidates screaming over a cell phone. Just good times, good friends, and moderately good beer. Lets meet

in front of CICSR at 5 to walk over. For those of you that go to CICSR directly, grab a good table and crush all those that dare

steal a chair from the computer science department.*

*Provided this person is a) not bigger than you or b) not a hot woman.*

** If b, supply her with the following number: The Koerner's Chair Request Line: (604) 827-2153.

Note: No quote this week, and a half assed top ten due to a last minute rush. I will try and make up for this next week.

Onto this week's top ten list. I am not quite finished with every last detail of my Ph.D. application, but since the vast

majority of the work has been completed, I present to you the following list. Please learn from my experience and nothing can

possibly go wrong with your applications:

TOP TEN THINGS LEARNED DURING MY Ph.D. APPLICATION!!

---------------------------------------------------

10. Gluck may rhyme with many things but it doesn't rhyme with "crappy

proof reader" for a reason. Thanks again. On a related note, I

now realize why my parents wanted to name me Peter.

9. If they ask you for a statement about research you want to pursue, be vague, use lots of big words like synergy and

obfuscation, and make sure they know that your funding will come from 'somewhere'.

8. Spell your name correctly.

7. In your statement of interest form, save space and do not mention your "interest in the ladies." People will have more than

enough time to hear about that when you get in.

6. e' = e with an accent.

Re'sume' may be the correct way to spell the word, but technology has a way of preventing you from looking fancy. For U of S's

online form, I ask people to look at my rsum. On a related note, I am glad there is no such word as se'hite'.

5. Always spell excited, expected, and estimate as Xcited, Xpected, and Xtimate to show that you have attitude. Professors like

that.

4. Greatest accomplishment questions should relate to only academic achievement. Abnormally large bowel movements should not

be mentioned.

3. Don't mention the word syphilis, even if it seems appropriate.

2. Bad Cover letter:

Dear Sir or Madam

Who's your daddy.

I'm your daddy.

Let me in you skool.

Sincerely,

David Sprague

1. If you are going to try and forge the letter grades on your transcripts, do not use a magic marker.

0. If you don't think you will be accepted into a university, write a different name and address on your application, and hope

name brand recognition will get you in.

b) From now on, please call me Mike Klaas II.

-1. If you are going to bribe the admissions committee, it should be more than a $20 and a half eaten bag of cheezies.

-2. Similarly, if you are going to threaten to kill a committee member's dog if they don't let you in, make sure that:

a) this person has a dog and

b) this person does not have your name or home address. This rule

works very well with # 0. I wouldn't walk home alone if I were

you Mike.

-3. There is no way to make "beer czar" sound like a respectable position.

David "hoping my application looked better than this email" Sprague